The Best Amazon Comments

by Scott on January 4, 2012

in Humor

I love Amazon.  I buy a lot of stuff on that site.  I’m also an Amazon Prime member, which, if you’re not already a member, you should drop everything and go sign up for right now.  But Amazon isn’t really what this post is about.  I’d like to highlight some of the genius comment writers on the site.

For most items, comments can be helpful in making a purchase decision or learning about certain details left out of the product description.  But there are many items, hidden gems if you will, that are either fake or so ridiculous that they bring out some of the better creative writing out there.

The first item I discovered along these lines was Uranium Ore (355! comments).  Yep, apparently the same stuff used to power nuclear submarines. (Actually, probably not the same stuff).   Here are a few delightful comment snippets:

The quality of this Uranium is on par with the stuff I was bying from the Libyans over at the mall parking lot, but at half the price! I just hope the seller does not run out, because I have many projects on my list including a night vision sasquatch radar, an electromagnetic chupakabra cage, a high velocity, aerial, weighted Mothman net and super heated, instant grill cheese sandwhich maker.

Or

First, I made my own “radiation machine” out of cardboard, painting it silver and gray with spray paint from the local hardware store. The only other necessary purchases were a white lab coat, diabolical goggles , and a cheap-ass fold up plastic lounge chair. Plus this fine product. One $ 39.95 can will treat at least 100 patients!

Then today, I came across a post for the 15 most expensive items on Amazon.  These range in price from a modest $6232 kindle book to a $10,000,000 microchip and all the way up to a 1.2 QUADRILLION poster for the side of a truck.

And again, the comments are priceless:

Clearly, as batteries go, a $384 one is far bigger of a status symbol than a $7 one. You would not want to get caught driving a Lambo in anything less than Abercrombie and Fitch, would you now? Then why would you put a cheapo battery in your LX600? That’s right! You would not.

or

I bought this based on the recommendation of my trusted colleague, Dr. I.Q. Hi. (I’ve been burned in the past by the inferior “Acme” brand disintegrators.) When it arrived, I summoned my partner. Confidently, I told him, “I’m ready to test out my new Model 1000 Disintegrator! And brother, when it disintegrates, it disintegrates!” Then I flipped the lever to the “ON” position.

And what do you know?…. It disintegrated.

or

Sure, the price looks okay for a microsemiconductor. However, for only 6.3 million dollars more, I was able to purchase a macro whole conductor, Sir Simon Rattle of the Berlin Philharmonic.

For a price comparable to this tiny item, you may be able to acquire the full-size André Previn. I recommend you carefully research your options before investing in conductors, micro-, semi-, or otherwise.

I encourage you to check out the list and click through to the comments.  Another hour gone, but another dozen laughs had.

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